Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right