The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely