Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
You Might Also Like
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
This meeting could have been a cake
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.