*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.