Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”