God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this