If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Not all heroes wear capes.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Nice try, poison.
this chia pet tastes awful
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.