Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m having an out of money experience.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.