While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly