Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.