Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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Trumpy Cat
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
But wait…
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.