me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
#SuperBowl
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test