Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
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My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
The two types of wives
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.