[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance