Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere