Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.