Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Time for evil
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.