Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
seems fine
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?