It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*