[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
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please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Ugh
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…