I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
How dramatic are you?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*