Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine