How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My life in a nutshell
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
#titanic
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?