Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
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*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco