[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
TODAY
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man