How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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My support group can outdrink your support group.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
When they try to steal your moment.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
listen closely
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.