When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
This pepper has seen some shit
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard