Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”