Computer: shutting down
Me: same
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Scream sneezers need love too.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
me, too, girl. me, too.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead