My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
lmfao
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”