People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city