I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something