Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.