Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.