I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
You Might Also Like
gentlemen, hear me out
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
How to woo a woman
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.