My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books