moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory