Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
You Might Also Like
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Feels like the fourth month in January
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub