People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.