I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.