Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]