We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.