i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
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Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.