Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Merry Christmas
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!