My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
This could be us… but you playing
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.