Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.