What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
All set.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.