“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…