*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I just stopped by to water my horse.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
he was correct
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
it be like that
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”