Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”